Sacred Marriage and the DOMA Ruling

As expected, my Facebook feed has lit up with clever statements from supporters of both sides of the Supreme Court case concerning the federal Defense of Marriage Act.  Religious and cultural leaders have spoken their two cents on the issues as well.  I have been kicking around the thought of writing a blog about marriage while addressing the topic of homosexuality.  With today’s Supreme Court decision, I suppose I might as well bring my thoughts to the discussion.

Depending on which side of the debate you sympathize with, most quotes about the court ruling hurled from the ‘other camp’ either consider you a backwards bigot or a partner with evil, destroying the very fabric of this great nation.  However intended, these clever lines and memes serve only to boost the morale of the agreeing mob by identifying those who disagree as the enemy to be conquered.  I suggest there’s a better way to approach this issue.

As Christians, we must direct our attentions first to what God intends with marriage.  When we look at the sweep of what God is up to in the world, we find He’s all about creating a people who bear His image and work as His partners in reigning over creation.  Surely the first covenant God gives us coincides with His big mission.  When we look at the Bible’s first marriage, we see God charge Adam and Eve to “be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth” (Genesis 1:28 ESV).  God gave Adam and Eve to each other as help to fulfill this charge.  This charge extends to us also as certainly Adam and Eve did not themselves completely fulfill it.  In light of this godly charge, I submit that the main purpose of marriage is to create an environment conducive to Christian growth and maturity.

I think there are two ways I see that marriage should be conducive to growth and maturity in the faith.  The first is described very well by Gary Thomas in his excellent book Sacred Marriage.  Gary is emphatic that “God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy.”  Through the lives of two people becoming intertwined for life, character flaws will be revealed.  A good marriage is one where these character flaws are worked out in love, respect, and service toward one another.  Through all this, we become more Christ-like.

The second way our marriage should be conducive to growth and maturity in the faith is through being the gospel to our families and neighbors.  The most obvious is creating a home environment where our kids grow up in the faith from an early age and are well equipped spiritually to make their way when they leave.  Perhaps less obvious is the influence married couples can have on their neighbors in the community.  I think of a couple in particular who has made themselves and their home a place of refuge for many who have fallen on hard times or just need an encouraging word.  I hope you can think of a married couple you know like this.

So, to finally bring this post back to the homosexuality debate…I state my belief that heterosexual (not homosexual) marriages are God’s intention.  If marriage is to expose character flaws, what better way than to put two people together who are wired totally differently?  Culture seems to try to blur the distinctions between male and female, but I think a healthier way of looking at gender is to see that God placed an emphasis of certain attributes of His in males and an emphasis of other attributes in females.  This doesn’t make one gender better than the other, but rather one complements the other to demonstrate a more complete picture of God’s nature.  In joining with someone of the opposite gender in marriage, we allow ourselves to be sharpened in ways that I would believe impossible in a homosexual marriage.

If this is what Christian marriage should look like, we need to take a step back to see if marriage lives up to this in our church.  I don’t mean the worldwide body of believers, but your local congregation that meets every Sunday.  I’m guessing that for most of you, sitting in your church’s pews are many folks struggling in their marriage or even lamenting a failed marriage.  As American Christians, we don’t have particularly great statistics on marriage success, with divorce rates of Christians basically identical to the national average.  I hope your church is an exception to this norm, but I’m guessing it’s not.

You’re probably figured out by now that I’m not trying to lay an airtight case against society adopting homosexual marriage here.  My response to today’s court decision is no surprise.  I mean that literally…I’m not surprised.  Overall, our representation of marriage is not all that compelling.  Why wouldn’t others in society try something different?

Is the Christian response to the growth of homosexual marriage acceptance in the U.S. to continue throwing grenades over the wall at our homosexual neighbors and those who support their legal right to live this way?  By no means!  In doing this we are far from showing Christ’s love to our neighbors.

Christianity should look more like inviting homosexuals to dine at a shared table than a dizzying barrage of insults.  The best response I have to the growth of homosexual marriage in the U.S. is to work to cultivate good Christian marriages.  Think back to the couple I mentioned earlier who open their lives and their home to serve those around them.  Think of a couple you know like this.  What if this is what every Christian marriage looked like?  That would certainly make Christian marriage a compelling alternate lifestyle.

We Christians need to quit viewing homosexuals as the enemy of marriage and start focusing instead at whatever underlying issues drive Christian couples apart.  Instead of being worked up about the DOMA ruling, get worked up about what’s tearing marriages apart in your church.  Invest in your marriage so you’ll be able to weather whatever is around the bend waiting to tear yours apart.

The greatest thing you can do to defend the institution of marriage is to be a good husband or wife.  The second greatest thing you can do is to help other married couples grow a sacred marriage.